I spent the last 4 days at home with Faith. Between her being sick, inclement weather and a vacation day, it was lots of QT for me and the tiny diva. We did have some magical moments, like her surprise trip at bedtime to see Christmas lights with her best buddy.
I bribed her to let me blow dry and straighten her hair after her bath at night, and it was a sweet bonding experience for us. And by that, I mean I gave her cookies and a Starburst while she sat in front of me and I had to turn up the volume on Paw Patrol so that she could hear it over the sound of the hair dryer. But the end result was magic. But by Day 2, I was ready to throw in the towel.
This parenting thing...it's HARD!
I have noticed a trend lately. It kinda intrigues me, but I am the biggest culprit of it.
It's trendy to be honest. Vulnerable. To show weakness. So many blogs and articles lately are written from the perspective of a stressed mom (see: this very blog) or a remorseful divorcee (see: this very blog) or a recovering addict. The common theme threaded throughout our culture now is that it's okay to be broken. This is an incredible concept, in the sense that we are all in this life thing together, none of us are perfect, and I believe that it is only the grace of God that saves us. This trend of accepting brokenness brings us together as a community. But I want my community to help me work towards being whole again.
Community is crucial in most aspects of life. I firmly believe that. But I also think that community can create complacency.
As a mom, I blog (and Facebook) about the ways I fail as a mom, my struggles, how I am not a Pinterest-Mom, etc. The response is often overwhelming. So many other moms are aching to know that the seemingly uphill battle they fight is not theirs alone. We applaud those who are transparent about the struggle. We secretly envy/slightly loathe/stick up our noses at those who seem to "have it all together."
Yet, we tend to celebrate the struggle and forget to spur each other on to greatness. The struggle is not the high point. It is okay to feel defeat or discouraged. And my life has always been an open book, I have zero problem admitting that I am not the world's greatest mom. I fail over and over and over again.
Tonight, after 4 days of being homebound with Faith, I reached my limit. Her bedtime is 7:30, and at 7:10, I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I announced I was taking a shower to her and put Paw Patrol on for the 48th time this week, closed the bathroom door and stood in the scalding hot water for 19 minutes because I could not stand one more minute alone with her. I didn't even wash my hair. I just stood there.
Understandable to most moms - especially stay-at-home moms, probably.
I don't necessarily want to be just understood though. I want to get better. I love (I mean, really LOVE) knowing that so many other moms out there share my struggles. But when it really comes down to it, the only person I am responsible to is that tiny human who so loves me so desperately and unconditionally. I want to be a BETTER mom to her, not just
accepted by my community.
I screwed up the whole marriage thing my first go round. I reached out to my other divorced friends and they could empathize with my story. We shared battle scars. They "got it." But I have also been seeing a Christian counselor for several months. Because I want to heal, not just embrace the pain. I want to do better the next time.
I have gained 8 pounds since I met Beau. Part of it has to do with my job change and the fact that I sit at a desk most of the time now, instead of running across Washington University's campus for 8 hours a day. But part of it is just that I am happy....and comfortable. I can accept that to some degree. However, I am not naive and I know that everywhere Beau looks, he is confronted with images of skinny, big-boobed girls who have perfect teeth and who probably shave their legs every day (damn overachievers). Truth be told, I kinda wanna marry that boy (don't worry, he knows!) and honestly, I want him to be attracted to me til the day I am old and wrinkly and accidentally lose my dentures in my glass of wine ;) So I love when my community tells me that being happy means it's normal to gain a few pounds, but I need people to tell me "DO NOT EAT THAT PIZZA! KEEP RUNNING EVERY DAY!" (Love you, Atly.) I want to look good for my guy, and I want to keep working hard to do that. He should get my best. He loves me any shape or size but he does deserve my effort to stay healthy and work hard.
I love Jesus. And I am totally a church snob. Since I left Chicago, I have struggled with finding a church where the preacher just preaches the BIBLE and doesn't water it down for me. I don't need a pastor to cater to my whims and preferences. Jesus meets me where I am at, but He definitely doesn't want me to stay there....I need a pastor who fires me up to turn away, sacrifice, lay it all down for the One who gave up everything. I don't do well with churches that worry about not offending me. I want my faith community to rip my heart out and motivate me to live a life composed of less of me and more of Him.
I want a friendship community that challenges me, inspires me, accepts me for who I am (and all my flaws) but lights a fire underneath me to be better, shed the selfishness and live a life that is more closely aligned with what Christ designed for me.
Let's do better about accepting each other at our weak moments but celebrating and inspiring growth. Including the growing pains!
I am reading these two books - because my Guy and my Counselor suggested them (they get capital letters
because they deserve them). Both are life changing and painful and causing me to not only accept my struggles but move past them. Be stronger. Fight harder.
I love my baby girl. I want to be better. For me, but also for her. And also for that boy who loves me so fiercely. And also for my sister who worries about me nonstop and for my parents who dedicated their lives to raising me to understand the promise of Jeremiah 29:11. And for the One who gave up His life so I could have this one.
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