beautiful disaster

Almost exactly a year ago, my whole life turned into a crazymessyterrifyingdisaster and now that the storm (I mean, it was like a Cat 5 tornadicanequake) has passed and the sunlight is peeking through, I can finally look back and see how God held me through it all.

“You hem me in behind and before and You lay Your hand upon me.”

                                                                                                                                -Psalm 139:5

Last August, within a matter of days of each other, I moved out of my apt with Baby Daddy (BD)and quit my job. Obviously, those two events occurring simultaneously make perfect sense. Or the opposite of perfect sense. But the environment I was in at my job was destroying me and I knew I was in too vulnerable of a position with my personal life to stay there and survive. To say my world spontaneously combusted is an accurate description. No family within 300 miles, no job, no money.

The night I moved out (and into my life coach/guardian angel/ginger bestie’s brand new house she had bought like 14 seconds before that), Faithy and I (and my severance pay) wandered aimlessly around Walmart at 9pm. I found the cheapest toddler bed and mattress I could find and threw it in my cart. I could feel the judging eyes around me…

“What kind of mom brings her 2 year old to go shopping at 9pm?!”

I gave the classy clientele surrounding me the stink eye … they chose a bad night to mess with me.

“LOOK AT ME THAT WAY ONE MORE TIME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!”

Yeah right. 1) Nobody at WallyWorld would ever look at me weird for having a 2 year old there at 9pm because just about everyone else there had their kids too. #ResponsibleMomsUnite  2) Like I am really brave enough to mad dog someone at WALMART late at night.

I immediately started freelancing and making enough to basically pay rent and my car payment. Mandie worked from home, so I did my best to keep Faith out of the house during the day. Days were a blur. The park, Monkey Joe’s, Barnes & Noble…anything to keep a wild 2 year old entertained. Me and F shared a bedroom, and at night  I would put her to sleep in her Minnie Mouse toddler bed, but half the time I would pick her up and bring her to bed with me later on. Two of us in my little twin bed. Uncomfortable, but she was my lifeline. Something about the smell of her Dora shampoo kept me sane. Dang, I love that kid.

Me and BD’s custody agreement is 50/50. Saturday nights before I had to give her back, after she went to bed, I would sit on my couch with a glass (or 2) of wine and dread the next day. It’s like giving half your heart away every other week.

I discovered that running was a healthier outlet than bottles of wine and frozen pizza. The irony is that I looked like an awkward, drunk Clydesdale every time I stepped on the treadmill, so that’s a treat...looking intoxicated without feeling the actual buzz. But I learned to channel my frustration and stress into exercise.

I avoided dramatic Facebook confessions about the genuine disaster my life had become. 1) It ain’t nunya biznass, FB world. 2) to protect F. I think it’s completely tacky to bash your ex publicly, especially when a kid is involved. That little girl loves her daddy and he loves her. End of story.

I went on job interview after job interview. I made it to the final rounds 4 TIMES. And then got rejected.

DAMMIT, I AM QUALIFIED FOR ALL THESE JOBS!!!

I saw a career coach and he said, “You have to learn to sell yourself better, Shannon.”

Hmmm.

“I am 30 years old, mid-divorce, halfway unemployed, broke…but I am a damn good mom and my legs are now in GREAT shape. I mean, seriously. My quads are rock solid. Just please don’t mention anything about my family or Chicago because I am crazy homesick. And if you do, I will scoot my chair over to you and not-so-delicately lay my head on your shoulder and weep for 26 minutes. And I am a horribly ugly crier. So please…let’s move on…and pretend this never happened…I’ll show myself to the door, thanks…”

As soon as I got paid for my freelance gig, I would pack up my Kia and Faithy and drive the million miles to Rock(&roll)ford to stay with my sister and her fam. I’m tellin’ ya – if you don’t know Heather & Troy DeCook, you’re missing out. They are the salt of the earth (what does that phrase even mean?!) and they took SUCH good care of me and my boo.

Actually, the support came in the most random ways. I would get Starbucks gift cards in the mail from sweet friends, insightful messages from friends on FB who had no idea what was going on with me, invited to people’s family holiday meals….the love was overwhelming. God uses people to bless other people!

THANKFUL.

Fast forward to March 2013. Somehow, Mandie managed to not lose her mind, despite the pure chaos that Faithy and I brought to her house. And we finally moved into our own little teeny apartment. I got a job. I started going back to counseling on my own. My sweet girl and I survived (and are totes BFF now). For the first time in 7 months, I could breathe.

It’s like that cheesy “Footprints” poem that I freaking love so much….looking back, when I thought I was alone…but He was carrying me the whole time. Through Him, I am so much stronger than I ever deemed possible.

You never know what kind of chaos someone else might be going through. Love people HARD and without condition. Make an occasional sacrifice for someone else. Send that encouraging note. Take someone out to coffee. Be someone’s anchor, their happy place. Show them Jesus.

Like my other BFF, Ellen DeGeneres, says...BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER. Maybe the Bible says that too. Whoops.