Confessions of a Joint-Custody Mama

Warning: This post is above-average Raw.

I don't talk about my ex publicly. I think it is juvenile and completely detrimental to my daughter's well-being to say anything negative about her dad, and I hold to that.

However, I will say that I love his fiancée. She is sweet and caring and loves Jesus and has two little girls around Faithy's age. I am thankful that Faith has another woman in her life (every other week) who I know will take care of her tiny heart.

But let's be clear. It is downright exhausting trying to sort through my emotions when it comes to Faith having two homes.

I know the facts. People tell me them all the time.

1) It will get easier, but never be easy.
2) I will always be Faith's mommy, nobody can replace me (and I know she would never try)
3) Soooo many kids live in divorced families these days, it's the new normal.
4) All I can do is focus on spending as much quality time as possible with her.
5) She knows I love her.

Yes, I know all of those things. Let me tell you what keeps me awake at night.

1) I don't know how to French braid. OH LORD, her future step-mama is a PRO at fancy hair-do's, I seriously have lost this non-existent BATTLE OF THE BRAIDS and Faith will one day look at me with an evil glint in her eye when I tell her she can't wear eyeliner at age 11 and she will snap, "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FRENCH BRAID MY HAIR, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LIFE?!" And I will curl into the fetal position and stay there until Faith goes to prom and her stepmama does her hair in a fancy up-do.

2) She will never have a full blood-related sibling. I think I used the wrong terminology there and it kinda sounds vampire-ish but you know what I mean. But like, seriously. My sister is my RIGHT LUNG (or my left, I don't know which ones is more important, but she's that). We have a lifetime of memories together, good and bad. I even wrote poems about our awkward love-hate best frenemy-ship my junior year in high school (which is actually weird, now that I think about it.) And my brother is like my Super Life Coach (after Siri) and I remember when he puked up red Slurpee on our family vacation and when he burned his face when he was 1. And Faith will never have that full-sibling gig, and to top it off, she now has two almost-step-sisters at her dad's house. But she flies solo at mine. So I crunch numbers in my mind (never a good idea, I was always a Calculator Needer) and I think "Oh LORD, I need to get pregnant right now so Faith has a sibling here soon" but then I realize I don't WANT to be pregnant right now, and truth be told, Faith will never "grow up with" a sibling close to her age at my house because she's already FOUR and pregnancy is 40 weeks/9 or 10 months depending on who you ask. (Ha!) Clearly, the logical answer is that she will be just fine no matter what, but try telling that to my maternal-anxiety-ridden mind at 2am.


3) I hate everything about Pinterest because it just reminds me how much I totes suck at anything crafty. But then I go on there just to find creative ideas that will make Faith THINK I am Crafty and Fun Mom. Like this turkey pancake deal for Thanksgiving. Truth be told, I found that on Pinterest, sent it to my grandma, and left it up to her and my mom and dad to execute. And then I took a picture and posted it on Facebook so one day when Faith is old enough to know I am a total Craft Dud, she will see that pic and think "MY MOM RULES"  and I will not lose the non-existent Creativity Clash between me and her dad's household.



4) One time she went to Culvers looking like this. I mean, CLEARLY, she had just come from Splash Pad and it was a million degrees outside and Culvers does NOT have a "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service" sign. So there. But it's all fun and games until I take a picture of her and the Ugly Reality sets in that I AM THAT MOM who allowed her child to wear a bikini and soccer shorts (USA! USA!) to Culvers and then VOGUE-STRIKE-A-POSE in the rocks outside the establishment. Granted, the side ponytail added a Classic Touch as it was obviously a shout out to a legendary generation of yore (80's child right here!) I actually don't think I used "yore" in the right context there, but that truthfully is the least of my concerns. See Exhibit A. And by Exhibit A I mean the picture to the left.

You can go ahead and tell me how much my baby girl loves me and how when she is older, she will appreciate the things I did for her and how French braids and turkey pancakes don't matter. But the reality is that she is 4 years old right now and those things matter and while I love her future step-mama and thank Jesus that He has given Faithy such a wonderful step-mama and step-sissys, sometimes I want to throw a giant tantrum and yell "NO FAIR!!!" that I have to share my tiny angel with anyone. Just because I want what is best for my girl (which is obviously a happy home 100% of the time, not just when she is with me), doesn't mean I always like it. I can push my jealousy to the side about the relationship Faithy has with those sweet girls, but there is still an action required on my part to PUSH the jealousy and HAND it over to God. And sometimes I like to secretly revel in the fact that there is no denying this child belongs to ME, as clearly indicated in the picture below. Hashtag she get it from her mama.

 

There are hard consequences for hard decisions like divorce and I'm okay with that. But I won't pretend like hard consequences are all "no pain no gain" or "character building" or "I see God moving in this" attitude-inducing. Sometimes they are just plain tough and it's okay to admit that. Before God, I can truthfully say that every decision I make is with Faithy in mind (sometimes to a fault) and I am fiercely dedicated to giving her the best of me and the best in life. I am proud of the way I have handled these transitions, but to say that I can do so without feeling some Negative Vibes on occasion is a bunch of hogwash (again, not quite sure what "hogwash" actually is, but STOP QUESTIONING MY SEMANTICS.)