bell hooks is a feminist. but i'm just a fake one.

I am not a sappy person by nature.

Don't get me wrong. I am sensitive. Meaning that I cry a lot. But don't mistake that for sappy.

In college, I thought I was a feminist. I tempered that by calling myself a "borderline feminist." Because that makes a big difference. Ha. I studied bell hooks (that is the name of a woman, and she intentionally does not capitalize her name. that's bad @$$ right there. I am using symbols instead of letters because I am learning to not cuss. Baby steps. Anyway, I digress. bell hooks was a feminist.) Anyway, I really thought that being a Strong (with a capital S) woman was super important.

And then life happened.

Strength was re-defined.

It just sounds super sappy (which I am not), but I have discovered that love makes you strong.

Not just a certain type of love. All kinds of love.

But there's that love that changes you. Inspires you. Rips your heart out and knocks you on your A-dollar sign-dollar sign.

5 months ago, I went on a blind date. Blind meaning I talked to this boy on an unnamed dating site and on paper (or the computer), he seemed a little too perfect. I rolled my eyes at his profile that said he loved "....taking limos to wineries, visiting new places and that he was looking for an educated, Christian girl." Oh puh-leeeze. And he was former Army infantry. Whatever.

I wore a dress to work the day I was supposed to meet him and texted him to say "I don't normally wear dresses to pubs, but I was too lazy to bring extra clothes to change into after work."

Talk about setting the bar high. Hashtag overachiever.

I met TNB on an outdoor patio in the Central West End with incredibly low expectations.

We talked for over 5 hours that night. We went our separate ways (no kiss goodnight, he is a gentleman) and walked to our respective cars in the parking garage. I texted my entire family and said "I met a boy and I will marry him." I pulled up to the cashier in the parking garage to pay for my ticket and he looked at me and smiled.

"Oh, no, Ma. Your boy already paid for your ticket. Daaaaayum, that's a pimp move. I wish I'da thought of dat. He just said "take care of the lady in the burgundy SUV." Pimp. Hang on to that one, Miss."

Fine. Swoon.

I'm not naive. I know there is always a "honeymoon phase." Then real life kicks in. But the thing is...my life is always real life. Hectic. Chaotic. I am a giant hot mess. On our 2nd date, I cried. There may have been a beer or two involved. But WHO CRIES ON A 2ND DATE?!?!? I woke up the next morning and texted Suzanne and she said "OH NO, SIMS. It's like the scene from "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."

Fail.

He stuck around. That night I told him, "I don't normally cry!!"

Ha. Biggest lie ever. I don't normally NOT cry.

He still likes me. He cooks me dinner and then sends me home with leftovers. In TUPPERWARE. I don't think I even own Tupperware dishes with lids that fit. I rarely even cook food that can be put into Tupperware, other than Jack's pizza. And foil is sufficient for that. One time he came to my apartment and cooked me dinner and offered to leave me leftovers but I said no. And then he went home and texted me and said "I left a pork steak in your freezer. Just throw it in the oven at 350 degrees for 10 minutes tomorrow after work."

What?!

He bought me a $100 bottle of Mase (Mace?) Spray on steroids. I mean, this fogger is terrifying. For when
the intruders try to break into my house....I will destroy them with my fogger. He's a a cop. A protector. TO SERVE AND PROTECT. Good thing, because I used carpet cleaner foam to FOAM THE CRAP OUT OF A BUG the other night. That sucker never stood a chance. NOT ON MY WATCH, SIR!!!

I obviously need help. Living alone is the pits, as long as bugs continue to exist in the world.

He dresses up even when he comes over to see me for dinner and coloring with Faith. One time I had a freakout moment (not uncommon) and said "I CAN'T DO THIS. I can't date you. I love my kid too much, I will be alone forever and raise her and we don't have time for you." And that crazy cop was headed to work but he drove all the way to my house so we could talk in person instead of texting about my psychobilly-freakout (guitar hero style).

He drove 32 hours with me for a 3 day vacation in the Black Hills with my entire family. He works nights and texts me every single morning at 6:03am to say "Hey there, beautiful. Hope you slept well and that work is good today." Is this real life?

I understand what a super annoying blog this is. It's like vomit to read this sappy stuff, I get it.

But him loving me so hard has made me strong. Confident. Happy. Healthy.

There are people in our lives that love us enough to give us strength to get through life. I am a different person because of TNB. A better friend. A better mom. I see the glass as half full again. I have realized there are things in life that matter and things that don't.

Things that matter: 

Random slumber parties with my little girl on Tuesday nights in the living room. With popcorn and rented Disney movies from Redbox. On a school night.

Letting my 3 year old ride her tricycle through my tiny apartment and then it tipping over and realizing she had filled the seat compartment of the trike with leaves and grass from outside. Oh well. Let's vacuum it up and blast the music loudly to cover the noise of the vacuum.

Driving hundreds of miles to meet a friend for dinner. Always worth it. Always matters.

Saying prayers at bedtime. Talking to Jesus at the end of our day is the best thing I can do with my baby girl.

Texting my mom to tell her I love her.

Listening to my dad's sermons online.

Phone calls with my sweet, loving brother.

FaceTime-ing with my grandparents so they can hear Faith sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" (and root, root, root for the CUBBIES!)

Anything that involves my sister. She's my best friend in the whole world.

Listening to TNB tell me all his police stuff that I don't remotely understand but it's important to him, so it's important to me.

Having friends who move heaven and earth to love on me and my girl and make incredible sacrifices to take care of me and Faithy (Kate, Ashley, Rebecca, Mandie, Suz, Pookie, Kaci, Lewie, Maggie, Sammie, etc.)

Things that don't matter:

Everything else.



Find that person/people who make you strong. Let love make you strong. It can be through a significant other, a friend, a sibling, a parent or grandparent, a cousin or aunt or uncle, a cat, a dog, a boss....

Let love capture you.

I still like to think that I am a Bad A. But love made me that way. Not the struggle to show power or independence.